Define your boundaries after abuse – a practical guide

After enduring abuse, whether it’s domestic manipulation or the aftermath of trauma, rebuilding your sense of self can be challenging. It can feel like piecing together a broken mirror. One of the most vital tools in regaining your sense of self is setting boundaries. Those invisible lines we draw, not to wall ourselves off, but to protect the precious space within.

Think of boundaries as your personal garden fence. They define what you’ll allow to grow, what you’ll nurture, and what you’ll politely, but firmly, keep out. Reclaiming these boundaries isn’t about being difficult; it’s about reclaiming your right to safety and respect.

Why Boundaries Matter, Especially Now?

Abuse, at its core, violates boundaries. It erodes your sense of control, leaving you feeling vulnerable. Setting boundaries is about drawing a line between what you will allow happen in your life and what is none negotiable they enable you too:

• Steer Your Own Course: Reclaim yourself by deciding what you will and won’t accept.
• Rediscover Your Worth: Setting boundaries is a powerful act of self-respect.
• Build Healthier Connections: Clear boundaries lead to more genuine and respectful relationships.
• Find Your Calm: Knowing your limits reduces anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed.

A Step-by-Step Approach to Setting Boundaries

Unearth Your Values and Needs:

• Exercise: Grab a cuppa and a notepad. Think about what truly matters to you. What are your core values? Honesty? Kindness? Peace? What are your fundamental needs? Safety? Emotional support? Personal space? Write them down, no judgement, just honest reflection.
• This step is about understanding what you’re safeguarding.

2. Recognise Your Triggers:

• Pay close attention to those little niggles, those moments when you feel uneasy, or pressured. These are often clues that your boundaries are being tested.
• Keep a journal. Jot down the situations, people, or behaviours that set you on edge. This builds self awareness.

3. Define Your Boundaries Clearly:

• Be specific. Instead of a vague “I need more respect,” try, “I need you to listen without interrupting.”
• Consider all aspects: physical space, emotional energy, digital interactions.

4. Communicate Assertively, Not Aggressively:

• Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when…” or “I need you to…”
• Be firm but polite. You have the right to set boundaries.

Practical Scripts for Common Scenarios

• Scenario: Someone is pressuring you to do something you’re not comfortable with.
• “I understand you’d like me to, but I’m not able to do that. Thank you for understanding.”
• Scenario: Someone is constantly interrupting you.
• “Excuse me, I wasn’t finished. I’d like to complete my thoughts.”
• Scenario: Someone is dismissing your feelings.
• “I understand you may see it differently, but these are my feelings, and I need you to respect them.”
• Scenario: Setting a time boundary for phone calls.
• “I only have 15 minutes to talk right now, but I would love to catch up with you later in the week.”

Exercises for Identifying Your Values and Needs

• The “Ideal Day” Exercise: Imagine your perfect day. What does it look like? Who is there? How do you feel? This exercise can reveal your core values and needs.
• The “Line in the Sand” Exercise: Think about the things you absolutely will not tolerate. What are your non-negotiables? Write them down.
• The “Self Care Audit” Review your week. Did you prioritise your needs? If not, what got in the way, and how can you change that next week?

Remember, setting boundaries is a continuous process. Be patient with yourself and celebrate every step you take towards regaining your sense of self.